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Believe in Everything

I wish there wasn't so much bad in the world. I wish everyone would get along. No one would judge, no one would fight, no one would kill. There weren't second thoughts or regrets or discourages. I wish there was no fear, no hatred, no whisperings behind people's backs.

Ever since I found out one of my closest friend has been talking about my financial situation behind my back, I'm now so self-conscious around her. I'm afraid she's judging everything I say... just waiting for me to leave so she can talk about me. It hurts. A lot. Just because I have money and she "doesn't" means she can talk about me. I don't even have a lot of money! It's me and my dad. My dad graduated college and got a well-paying job. We live paycheck to paycheck still, but just because I don't work and get money from my relatives doesn't mean I'm spoiled and I get every single thing I want. She seems to think this about me and it kills me inside. I've been battling with this "you're spoiled" thing for years. Being spoiled is getting everything you want and not being appreciative of it. I'm appreciative of every. single. thing. I get. I want to talk to her about it, but I'm afraid she'll just end up talking more about me.

Not only that, but I feel as though I've lost another friend. A good friend I've never seen. I met Jen about two years ago at the DanRadcliffe website. We and a whole group of girls became friends, broke away from that website, and started our own forum. We've been inseparable ever since... that is until this past December when one girl turned out to be a fake. It tore us all apart. And even thought a few of us remained close and created another forum, Jen has completely broken out and doesn't seem to want anything to do with us anymore. We all talked about meeting someday and it seems as if all of that was just fake now that she's gone. She was one of my closer friends as well. I miss her terribly and I don't know how to make her come back because she's so untrusting of the internet.

I miss this simpler part of life. Believing in everthing. Knowing nothing. Not knowing that there is danger or corruption. Innocence and laughter and the occasional scraped knee are all that dominate a child's world. I miss it. I miss the way things used to be. Growing up has meant death, changes, heartache, responsibilities... While it's better being treated as an adult... it was definitely a lot easier being a child. Maybe that's why it's so short. Life's not meant to be easy. It's meant to teach us to value moments and cherish them. And when we get older, we cherish our memories of childhood, wrap ourselves up with them like a blanket to keep warm during hard times.

If only childhood lasted just a little longer... but now, even that seems to be corrupt. Horrible how things change, isn't it?

Remember your childhood,
Miss Holly.

His reply...

Soren replied at like, 2am. I woke up at 9:45 this morning with just a rock in my stomach. I rolled over, grabbed my phone, and checked facebook. He messaged me back. It seriously made me cry. I cried. I can't believe I cried. It was possibly one of the worst, yet at the same time best, letters I've ever gotten. He does love me. He apologized profusely and now I feel slightly crappy for bringing all that stuff up. But I'm glad I did. I shouldn't listen to my stupid friends, telling me not to talk to him when I always bring stuff up with him. We always talk about things. I left him alone for nearly a month without any contact and then hit him with a letter bitching him out. His words cannot be fake. They're too real. He'd never lie to me. I know he wouldn't. He even is going to tell his gf about it. I'm not sure if that's true... but if it is... wow. I really hope she doesn't break up with him. I couldn't stand that on my mind because I know I'd feel so guilty about it. I love him and I don't want him to get hurt.

I wrote him a long message back, also apologizing and forgiving. I want to call him tonight so we can have one of those "up til morning" chats. I have so much to tell him. I'm glad I finally know where I stand in his life and I really don't want it any other way. I want to be his friend. Closer than that but not girlfriend. I actually think I'm closer to him than his girlfriend sometimes... I'm not sure if that's good or not. Oh well. I'm going to take some midol for these cramps, get a shower, and probably head over to the mall. There's an insanely cute fleece jacket dress thing at Old Navy I'm dying to buy. 

How freaking cute is that?! Only the one I want is an olive green color. That with cute little leggings and my black flats? I mean, dude. I'll be the hottest chick around! :]

Anyway. I guess that's about it for now. Just gotta get that stuff out about Soren. He told me he wants to be alone at the moment and think about things. I'll probably try and call him later tonight or something. I've got so much I want to tell him. I miss him. And... I'm out!

Hug a cow,
Miss Holly.

Just rambling...

I just sent the letter to Soren. I can't believe I did it. I wonder what he's going to do. Will he reply at all? Will he tell me we never had any kind of friendship...? That nothing was what it seemed? I'm terrified. I'm terrified of everything being over. But even worse... I'm afraid he'll apologize half-heartedly, but continue to ignore me. I don't know. Everything that happened between us...? How can he ignore that? Sure, he has a girlfriend. He loves her. But he loves me too. Maybe not romantically... but I felt so close to him. He told me once he felt like he could tell me anything. Does that still go? Who. Fucking. Knows. I'll just have to wait and see.

I'm in a boy web of mess right now. I like David, but I never see him. I wish I did but whenever I try to hang out with him, it just doesn't end up working. We plan to hang out, but plans fall through. Then I'm insanely confused about Vincent. He's come back to me as he was when I first knew him. Things are finally comfortable between us again. I smile when I have a text from him. But what about all those things he did? He hurt me. How can I ignore all that? We went through that awkward stage and I just don't want that Vincent to ever be around again... but what if he does come back? The whiney, clingy, depressing, overly-sappy blubbering idiot who won't leave me alone for ten minutes. Maybe it's because Ramon's back. Who knows? But only God knows this. No one else. I might start having feelings for him again. Not strong feelings... but feelings none the less. Should I go against my better judgement, my friend's opinions, and date him? Ugh. My mind tells me no but my heart tells me go for it. You liked him once. You can do it again. The same guy is in there... but really, is that a good thing?

Another thing I've been dying to talk about in full detail with myself... that afternoon at Joel's. I know I must've been expecting something as I prepared myself. Even though he has a girlfriend... it just really didn't seem to care. It was fucking hot. Making out. His hands on my breasts. His mouth on my nipples. I've never done anything like that before with someone I'm not even dating... let alone someone with a girlfriend. Nothing else though. It was... innocent? Haha. Who am I kidding? It wasn't innocent. The good Catholic in me says to go to Confession but the bad girl inside tells me to hold it in and remember it forever... as if Confession will wash it away like marker. I think my favorite thing about it was how spontaneous and random it was. Unexpected. Daring. Bold. Risky. It gave me a high I've never felt!

Anyway. Wow. This whole thing has a lot to do with guys... stupid. Haha. Back to my life! I'm totally going to see Fall Out Boy, Cute Is What We Aim For, Gym-Class Heroes, and Plain White-T's in November and I couldn't be happier! I absolutely love all of them which is really rare for me to like all the bands at a concert. Haha. I'm still bummed I missed Drake this summer but I know I'll see him again.

It's 11:22. I think it's time for a few more chapters of Eclipse then bed. Just because I need to catch up on sleep. Maybe I'll check facebook one more time to see if Soren replied... Ugh. Against my better judgement, I make the effort. He better make some effort back. Asshole.

Lick an icecube,
Miss Holly.


Even though this is out on the web for the whole world to see, I feel private. Safe. Undetechable. No one knows it's me. Even if a total stranger is reading this... you don't know it's me. I could be your best friend, your girlfriend, your sister, your cousin, or even the girl who sits in front of you in calculus. How weird is that?

Basically I just got this so I can easily jot down what I want to say without any of my friends knowing or caring. And the best news is only I'll know exactly what it's about!

And tonight I'm feeling poetic.
So here you go.

"If you..."

If you Kiss me, I swoon
If you Tickle me, I giggle
If you Cut me, I cry
If you Tease me, I blush
If you Hit me, I bruise
But Love me forever...
And I'm Always your's

teh end.
Hope you enjoyed it.
Just something I thought up to show off a little about myself.
Cause... I'm so complicated. Haha.

Save the whales,
Miss Holly.




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September 2007


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